Posh Tosh and I took my parents and P-House to the Lakefront Brewery Tour a few Fridays ago. We were on one of the later tours, and maybe running late, and the tour guide skipped over the story of The Chalet.

Stuck on some of the machinery like small forklifts and conveyor belts, was this Cyanide & Happiness comic.

The Brewers roster, and in particular, it’s pitching staff was decimated this year by injuries and ineffectiveness. 

True Brewers fans perhaps wouldn’t be as disappointed — and haters seem as prescient — if a crystal ball could have foretold the travails of Weeks, Suppan, Bush, Parra, McClung, Hardy, Hart and Hall. 

But around midseason, when it was apparent the Brew Crew was motley, there were some former big-name pitchers available for little. The acquisition of one of these players could have slowed the team’s slide to the middle, or at least shown fans management was still desperate to win now. 

These are the types of players you pass on when you’re not in contention. 

sportscentr:

winstonwolfe:

soupsoup:

hotfoot:

The Brewers’ unique celebration after Fielder’s walk off HR.

Ho-Ly shit. I am not exactly a baseball purist and certainly appreciate how the game has evolved, yet this move was absolutely ridiculous and reeks of poor sportsmanship. Home run celebrations have slowly gotten out of hand and this one is the topper. It’s considered tasteless, in baseball terms, to point in the dugout after a HR. His untucking of the jersey uni while running the bases made no sense and then to have a premeditated & choreographed team celebration, with a player striking a, “look at me” pose at home plate, is fuckin’ stupid.

That type of move gets you a penalty in the NFL or a fine in the NBA. Hopefully it gets Fielder drilled with a 92 MPH fastball in the ribs &, not just by the Giants next time they play. I hope Chris Carpenter of the Cards puts Fielder on his ass tomorrow.

Fielder should get drilled, and afterward, the Cardinals should do a choreographed celebration where they mime rolling dice, in honor of Cecil Fielder’s multimillion-dollar gambling losses.  Also, for a player and a teamwho get insanely angry about getting plunked, Prince Fielder doesn’t seem too concerned about provoking more beanballs.

In conclusion, Ken Macha is a horrible manager.

B-b-b-buuuuullshit. The untucking of the jersey has been going on ever since Mike Cameron came to Milwaukee from San Diego and is a tribute to his father. The untucking of the shirt signifies a days work done. The most play the untucking got in the national media was when the Cardinals were whining about it like little bitches, as they lost 10 of 15 games against the Brewers last year. 

Comparing this celebration to the NFL is “fuckin’ stupid.” That type of move does get you a penalty in the NFL, and that’s “fuckin’ stupid.” It’s why NFL stands for N.o F.un L.eague. Look, a lot of Brewers fans are Packers fans, and were subject to Randy Moss’ moon as the Vikings rolled at Lambeau in 2005. And we loved it. Should he have gotten a $10,000 fine? No. He should have gotten a gold fucking star. That was fucking hilarious, possibly the highlight of Green Bay’s season. Let footballers perform whatever touchdown celebration they want — and only throw the flag if it’s lame. Joe Horn’s cell phone and Chad née Johnson’s signs were lame, and it should cost their team 15 yards on the ensuing kickoff, and maybe a fine. But T.O.’s popcorn… that was pretty cool, especially in slo-mo. No flag. 

“Act like you’ve been there before?” Fuck that. Act like this might be the last time you’re there — because it might be. You might suffer brain damage and degenerative brain diseases for all those wicked awesome hits you took over the course of your career. Go ahead, go nuts, go ape-shit. 

Look, all this bullshit is entertainment. For my money, I expect a little choreography with my superhuman displays of athleticism. If these players were all respectful and deferent because they had to be, then guess what? It would be like I was paying to watch somebody do my fucking job. 

Baseball purist? Yeah, you’re probably right. We’re probably just “poor paste-eating slobs who don’t appreciate baseball the way [you] do because we don’t have full-body orgasms whenever a guy named Skip moves the runners over.” 

I would agree and say I’d like to see Carpenter throw at Fielder tomorrow, but given his results against the Brewers in the last few years, I don’t know if he can spare the base runners.

In conclusion, Tony La Russa is overrated and falls asleep at the wheel drunk like a worthless old man. 

P.S. I’ll tell ya another thing: their beer sucks!

“Well, I know I miss more than hit…” 

The latest sweep at the hands of a sub-.500 team from the Brewers own division was particularly painful. On Tuesday, the Brewers skulked through the entire game and then decided to put together a rally to tie the game in the bottom of the ninth. P-House was at the game (“Uecker seats, baby!!”) It was a thrilling comeback, reminiscent of the late-inning explosives of last year. I got a text from Posh Tosh, as the top of the Brewers order put together four singles and a walk.

Um are you watching the game?! I was just about to go to sleep but its too exciting…!

They were closing the gap. In Miller Park, the Brewers faithful stood up and cheered, even when Counsell failed to score from second on Prince Fielder’s single. Prince was waving him home his entire way to first base and started fuh-reaking out when he didn’t get the RBI. But now Casey McGehee has singled in the tying run, and people in bars across Milwaukee were remembering what it feels like to walk off with a win. 

But it didn’t happen. Braun tried to score, feebly, from third on a medium depth fly ball from Cameron, and we were off to extra innings. Posh Tosh went to bed. 

I already know what’s going to happen. They’re going to come all the way back and get you so excited, but then they’re go through a couple of boring extra innings where they can’t score, and eventually a relief pitcher, who had been doing a pretty good job, can’t hold off the other team. 

Uh… yeah, that’s pretty much exactly what happened. And then, it happened again the next night, except they were sitting on a slim lead and let it trickle away. 

Yesterday, I went to the game with P-House and our Dad. We were going to buy Uecker Seats, but then a man came up to us and handed over two tickets, saying “They’re free. No catch.” We turned to get back in line to buy a third ticket so we could walk around Miller Park together, and an usher-parking lot attendant type approached us. “Need any tickets? Here take these,” he said. “It’s pretty bad when you can’t even give them away.”

When Prince Fielder walked to the plate in the first inning, he brought burgeoning superstardom. “Look at all the flashes from cameras,” P-House said. “Every time he swings.”

There was proof every time he swings could be a hallmark moment, because he crushed a home run, and he shadow boxed with Braun and the Brewers had a four-run lead. Which we knew wouldn’t hold, and it didn’t.

The Crew has the Pirates in town this weekend  — the team that swept them in Pittsburgh early next week, despite being nearly 20 games below .500 — and then September, which is so packed with playoff teams it’s hardly worth repeating. Brewers fans thought last September’s swoon was bad, but this year it could be like a firing squad.  

The Brewers are coming back to Milwaukee to play their only two divisional rivals with worse records than their own before starting a September schedule backloaded with playoff teams. 

Eight of the final nine series are against teams with a better record than the Crew thus far, and the way the Cardinals have played lately, the boys could finish out of first place by dozens of games. 

But the Brewers’ season isn’t the only one limping to an end, or charging to the finish, depending on your perspective. Starting Monday, Milwaukee will host the North American Gay Amateur Athletic Association Fest 2009, which includes the Gay Softball World Series. As many as 200 teams and 4,000 people are expected to visit town for the festivities, according to the event’s Web site.

Apparently, organized gay softball in Milwaukee dates to 1977, and it first hosted the Gay World Series in 1979, according to the event’s Web site. Games will be played at Wirth Park in Brookfield, Wilson Park in Milwaukee, New International Sports Park in Sturtevant, and the Doc Gonring Athletic Complex in West Bend — which is the scene of my playoff softball glory last year, getting like, seven put-outs as shortstop and going 5-for-5 against Papa John’s Pizza before getting walloped by Bender’s Sports Pub. 

The opening ceremonies of the weekend will be at the Summerfest grounds and the closing ceremonies at the Harley Davidson Museum. The players and teams who are eliminated before the final day of play and championship round will even get to go on a “Loser” Cruise (re: booze cruise). 

It looks like these competitors will feel right at home in good old Brew City.

The Brewers signed 32 of their 53 draft picks earlier this week, but announced a move that could go even further to keeping Brewers baseball alive and well for generations to come in Milwaukee.

On Sept. 12, Miller Park will host a “Field of Sweet Dreams” overnight slumber party. This is exactly the type of event that will win the hearts and minds of little baseball fans and help lure them back to buy season ticket packages in 14 or 15 years. 

It’s the first sleepover party at Miller Park, but I seem to remember Milwaukee County Stadium hosting Boy Scouts camping parties in its final year. We all dreamed of having the entire outfield — that endless sea of manicured green — as our personal playground. 

We dreamed that somehow we could purchase County Stadium to prevent it from being demolished. That way we could wake up every morning in Robin Yount’s center field (or, ah, Marquis Grissom’s). We could take girls to the Press Box, the luxury boxes, on top of the dugout. We could “round the bases” while we rounded the bases!

Miller Park’s sleepover will, of course, be more PG. They’ll show the Brewers game against the Diamondbacks in Arizona (which, who knows, could be a horror show) and then they’ll show “Rookie of the Year” (A Cubs flick? Seriously? Actually, I watched the end of it recently and it‘s not terrible. Busey? I guess the Brewers-related  films — “Mr. 3000” at PG-13 and “Major League” at R — were not mother-approved). 

There will be inflatable games on the field — bouncy castle! — and the Kids Zone will be open, there will be tours, professional photographs, Bernie, the Sausages, gift bags, a buffet dinner, midnight snack, continental breakfast and a bedtime story recorded by Brewers players. No alcohol of any kind is allowed.

It will not be cheap, and let’s remember, revenue from special events at the stadium goes to the team under the terms of its lease. Tickets for those aged 13 and older are $85 and tickets are $50 for 3-to-12-year-olds. 

The beat writers are talking about how the team is sleepwalking and zombie-like. Perhaps this is signal that Doug Melvin has told Rick Schlesinger the season is over and he should squeeze as much money from the fans on special events, because there will be no postseason. 

This is all I’m going to say about this:

I think the Green Bay Packers will be strong enough to challenge and defeat all comers, including a much improved NFC North (with the addition of actual quarterbacks in Chicago and Detroit). I’m certainly not concerned about the return of a certain grey-haired megalomaniac.

I’m looking forward to Nick Collins going for the Pick Six like he’s playing the Florida state lottery.

Of all the many frantic and angry Facebook status messages, The Other J.J. posted the most wise:

nothing’s changed, Aaron Rodgers is still the best QB in the NFC North.

I saw a poll on ESPN in which online voters agreed. Jay Cutler was second. And, let’s face it, Matt Stafford hasn’t played a regular season game in the NFL. He might show up all three of the other NFC North QBs. Or he might end up like Matt Leinart, given his offseason exploits.

But P-House is up in the Mini-Apple, in the heart of the circus, gauging reaction among the Purple Proud. He said it’s eerily similar to that one time last year, when a team with a shot at the title brought in a self-obsessed headcase in Minnesota, thinking it would put them over the top.

We all remember how well that worked.

This is something that has been infuriating true Brew Crew fans since the second week of the season. People announcing “I’m done” with the Brewers.

These cowards were running for cover after the first week of the season, when it was clear it would not be all candy corn and cream puffs. Many whined the new manager chose a pitcher they did not like to start the first game of the 162-game season.  

They were shocked the Brewers could only muster 2-of-3 in the first series against the Giants — based almost entirely on the idea San Francisco had not been a good team in several years. Disregard the fact they now have the best pitching staff in baseball. 

They were uneasy after the team lost another series against the dread Cubs following a thrilling Opening Day win. Reed Johnson robbed Prince Fielder of a grand slam in the rubber match — as many of the most memorable moments of 2009, a poor result for the True Blue Brew Crew. 

It was then a local sports radio station created “The Done Club” to give a name to the dissatisfied unfaithful. 

The first post on the page was submitted on April 21, when the Brewers were 4-9 and had just lost an embarrassing game to the Phillies in which Manny Parra was lit up and after a rain delay, the final score read Philly 11, Milwaukee 4. 

The Crew then won 21 of their next 26 games, and reached their largest lead in first place in the division. 

Still, at every sign of discouragement, another chicken heart proclaims the Brewers are “done.” As the Brewers were losing to the Dodgers on July 10 at Miller Park, two Brewers fans were discussing which team was the favorite to win the division. 

“The Cardinals are good, man.”

“No way, I think it’s the Cubs.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. The Cubs are far and away the best team in the division.” 

When the Cardinals were banged up, everyone said “Once they’re healthy, they’ll be back.” When the Cubs were banged up, everyone said the same. And they were right — but how are Brewers fans not giving their own team the same credit? 

If, at the beginning of the season, you were told the Brewers would lose Weeks for the season, Bush for much of it, Parra, Suppan, McClung and Hart for stretches, and that neither Hart, Hardy nor Hall would play like an All-Star for even one week — what would you guess their record would be? Where would they be in the standings. DFL. 

It’s assine. They’re two games under .500, 6.5 back of the division and the Wild Card. The 2007 Brewers were one game under .500 on August 30, and they were challenging for the division until the third to last game. They have a tough September, but it’s against the other playoff contending teams, against which the Crew has faired OK. They’re 4-6 against the Cubs, 5-4 against the Cardinals, 2-1 against the Phillies, 3-3 against the Dodgers. 

It’s arrogant. It’s as if the members of this Done Club think that the team’s management will take notice of their desertion and change their management style accordingly. Some poltroon from Pewaukee thinks we stink? Oh no! A white-livered weakling wimp from Wauwatosa thinks we need to trade for an ace pitcher? Well, let’s mortgage the farm, Bessie! This malingerer in Milwaukee things our playoff chances are “done?” Better just forfeit our remaining games. 

It’s not as arrogant as this, though. I have a selfish reason for not giving up on the Brewers, as best described here by Drew Magary:  

There’s a very special feeling you get when you make the correct decision about something when everyone else has gone the other way. This is particularly prevalent in sports. If you bet on one team no one is picking, and they win, you get that smug, Simmonsesque sense of self-satisfaction, the kind that makes you feel entitled to be a real asshole for at least three days.

And, with god as my witness, I am that asshole!

Let’s set aside for a moment the issue of whether the Brewers still have a prayer of reaching the playoffs — and as they fired pitching coach Bill Castro, demoted J.J. Hardy and released Bill Hall after another embarrassing loss, it’s looking pretty grim, to say nothing of the way the Cardinals have been playing lately. 

What are you “done” with? Are you done with watching the Brewers on television? Giving up on the pastoral green diamond and white noise hum of the crowd behind Bob Uecker’s or Brian Anderson’s commentary? It’s why the Europeans watch soccer ever single night. It’s relaxing entertainment — you essentially watch the grass grow while catching occasional violent outbursts of action. 

Are you “done” going to the game? You won’t be buying peanuts, or crackerjacks? Tired of spending your hard-earned money to watch a bunch of losers who have no chance of making the playoffs? 

Huh. Then you must not have been a True Brew Crew fan from 1993 to 2006, either. 

The Brewers are in Chinua Achebe territory now — things are falling apart.

The Dodgers probably put the game out of reach in the sixth, when the Brewers pitching staff gave up seven runs. But at least it was still following the typical linear narrative of a baseball box score. 

Now down by nine runs, reliever Chris Smith hit Manny Ramirez, who had hit a solo homer and a two-run double in his last at-bats. He hardly preened after his home run — especially by his standards — by simply throwing the bat down from the end of his follow-through swing. He was excited, his last homer and RBI was his bobblehead night pinch-hit grand slam, and that was three weeks ago. 

It was not clearly a purpose pitch from Smith. But with the game out of reach, perhaps the Brewers were making a statement. Ramirez ran out of the batters box and loped around across the infield to first base. His first step was a rage-filled move toward Smith, but with every passing millisecond, you could read his thoughts. “It wasn’t close enough; it’s not worth it; I don’t want the hassle, the attention.” 

Ramirez’s reward for letting cooler dreads prevail was Guillermo Mota hitting Prince Fielder. This was more vicious. Mota is a thug, and it almost looked like he was throwing at Prince’s crown jewels. 

Fielder looked angry, hurt, confused. “Man, you were on my team last year.” Joe Torre came out to protest Mota’s immediate ejection, and Fielder appealed to him. You can read his lips “What’d he say?” You’re going to throw at me when we’re down 14 runs with two outs in the ninth?

Then Fielder tried to get to the Dodgers clubhouse, which is not an easy task, as documented here, and recorded on video here. And yes, Mota did a very similar thing to Mike Piazza. 

After the game Dodgers catcher Russell Martin said Fielder should not have waited until after the game to address his grievances. As we’ve said before, you either go or you don’t, but don’t stand there whining. However, it shows that these are real emotions at work — that a player isn’t an automaton following instructions to charge after every incident. 

 The players will stay riled tonight. There’s no way to tell what will happen, but it’s clear that if there’s any incident, it will involve every person from both teams, royal rumble style. 

 On a side note, when you google the phrase “Things Fall Apart,” the only result in the top ten that isn’t related to the 1958 novel is… a story from today about the New York Mets. So at least we’re not the Mets.  

 Brewers manager Ken Macha verbally smacked the reporter who identified himself as the Los Angeles AP reporter in his post game press conference. Either the reporter was called to the scene to add a story about Fielder trying to get to the Dodgers club house and knows nothing about baseball, or was copping as serious Bushville attitude toward the Brewers. Prince Fielder? Macha said. He plays first base for us? He was an All-Star? He won the Home Run Derby, maybe you heard about it?

Then the moron asked Macha if Fielder would play tonight. Oh, like we should be scared of what the Dodgers will do, tough guy?

“He’s been in every game,” Macha said. “Why wouldn’t he play?”