Posh accompanied me to the Saturday and Sunday games, and it’s hard to say how much she actually enjoyed it, but she was very vocal in her appreciation of one thing: Gabe Kapler.
When Posh announced that Hardy and Kapler were the two hottest Brewers, I admit I was blasé about it. He sort of irritated me, because whenever they introduce him, “Center Fielder, Gabe—,” I think they’re going to say “Gabe Gross” and I have a impulsive negative reaction. Fuck Gabe Gross.
But his big weekend — and her swooning at how hot Kapler was, even from the 400 seats — prompted me to do a little bit more research. I am now fully on board with Gabe Kapler. Keep Kapler — cut Gross!
First of all, he has a very inspiring story. A little Wiki’ing reveals he started playing in ’98, at age 22. He was on the Red Sox when they won their World Series in 2004 and then he left for the Yomiuri Giants to play under the bright lights of the Tokyo Dome for more money than he would earn in Boston. Then he came back to Boston, got injured running the bases on what would be a home run by former Brewer Tony Graffanino, and rehabbed in time for the Sox’s 2006 World Series. So then he retired and tried managing, but then decided he wanted to play again because he missed the battling!
Here are some other pluses:
- He is straight-up ripped. According to Wiki: “His musculature and shirtless photos have made Kapler a favorite of both women and men.”
- Also Wiki: “In a clubhouse poll it was once revealed that of the 25 players on the Red Sox, 24 were Republicans and Kapler was the lone Democrat.” You can keep your Curt Schilling and Mitt Romney, Massachusetts — Wisco is a Blue State.
- He’s rockin’ the knee-high midnight blue socks, just like Prince Fielder. Posh cracked herself up, musing that they had talked about this before the game. “You know, like Prince was like, ‘ey man, let’s wear our socks high today.’ ‘Yeah, man.’”
- Kapler, just like Ryan Braun, is an L.A. Jew who is proud of his heritage and carries the nickname The Hebrew Hammer, just like Braun (Posh is trying to think of a better nickname for Kapler. Braun has “Braunie” or “Brawny” and the catch phrase “What can Braun do for you?”). Kapler socked two homers this weekend, just like Ryan Braun, and is batting .462.
Here are some minuses:
- Kapler is playing center field, competing for a spot against another personal favorite, CF Tony Gwynn Jr. When Mike Cameron comes back from his suspension, both Tony and Gabe are going to be relegated to the bench. They’re also competing against Gabe Gross, who is awful, and whose batter-up music is christian rock, but seems to be a personal favorite of manager Ned Yost. Again, please, keep Kapler and Gwynn, cut Gross!
- Kapler is married (sorry, ladies) to Lisa, who sort of looks like a poor man’s Amanda Peet. They have a foundation to end domestic violence.