I hate the Cubs so freakin’ much. Now, I’ve got my reasons, oh, I’ve got my reasons. Don’t get me wrong, Chicago has several redeeming qualities: The Blues Brothers, Michael Jordan, Al Capone, “The Fugitive”, Steve Urkel, Irish people, David Mamet, Barack Obama, and, of course, Steve Bartman.
Allow me to air my grievances with our I-94 counterparts:
- I hate that they can’t win a World Series in 100 years yet baseball analysts perennially pick the Cubs to win the NL Central and do well in the playoffs.
- I’m so tired of hearing about The Curse of the Billy Goat, Leon Durham’s error in ’84, and the Bartman incident as excuses for choking in the clutch. If the Red Sox can do it, so can you, act like you got a pair and quit your crying.
- I hate the Bud Light Bleachers at Wrigley. Especially since Miller-Coors is relocating their headquarters to Chicago. Yeah, that just makes me hate Chicago, the Cubs, Budweiser, and Old Style, even more.
- I hate Chicago because of it’s sanitation faux pas issues. Let’s start with the trough urinals in Wrigley Field’s mens bathrooms. As a pre-teen visiting back in the day, I was supposed to go while sandwiched between to fat guys who refused to use their hands to aim. Broadway Joe felt the same “stage fright.”–a scarring experience. For the rest, I refer you to Upton Sinclair’s “The Jungle.”
- I’ve become increasingly convinced that Hell is being stuck in Chicago traffic.
- The arrogant dedication Cubs fans have to their team. “Oh, I love the Cubs!” “Yeah? Why? Their rotten ivy? Their tin can baseball stadium? Their 100 years of choking?”
- Carlos Zambrano. I think he’s a good pitcher who’s fun to watch. But he has become the face of the enemy and the Star Wars-like, good and evil battle between Big Z and Big Ben just forces you to root for the good guy: Sheets. (We’ll be seeing that match-up on Tuesday, FYI.)
Now, I must say that there are a few things I do like about the Cubs and Wrigley Field:
- “The Called Shot” by Babe Ruth in Game 3 of the 1932 World Series between the Yanks & the Cubbies (Yanks win). In the words of Ryan Braun, “I’m not cocky. I’m just confident.”
- Harry Caray. Holy Cow!
- Sammy Sosa. The summer of 1998, like, made my childhood. But I especially love it when he hits a hard line drive, foul ball off the chest of my brother during batting practice. Thud! “Paulie, get the ball!” Unfortunately, the impact off Broadway Joe’s chest was so much that the ball fell back onto the field. Luckily, a handful of 10-year-olds broke the fall of my tumbling brother.
- Ernie Banks, “Mr. Cub”. It’s a beautiful day for baseball. Let’s play two!
- I love the Cubs for not re-signing Jason Kendall. They’ll pay for it this week.