P-House called me as he left the game last night to relate a classic story of Cubs fan douchebaggery. As he walked to his car he passed a dude yelling into his cell phone:
“I got fucking arrested! For talking shit to Brewers fans! And now I don’t know where the fuck I am!”
He was followed by a few people, including two girls, one shouting:
“Now is not the time!”
And the other sobbing:
“I can’t do this! I can’t do this anymore!”
Do what anymore? Date this insufferable asshole? To quote Chicagoan Common: “It’s kinda like ‘The Break Up’ with Jen and Vince Vaughn.’”
There’s that scene early in the movie in which Jennifer Aniston is on a date at Wrigley with this dude wearing a visor and a tucked in Cubs polo, and then Vince Vaughn “charms” his way into her life by forcing her to eat a hot dog. Then his character remains a total prick as a foil to Aniston’s character, a regular girl who’s only real crime was dating a Cubs fan. Is that what girls on the Northside have to choose from? — needy stuffed-shirt nerds or bullying schlubs?
Remember earlier this year when a Cubs fan put up this URL: http://www.canthecubsmendmyheart.com/? He took it down when his ex contacted him and told him what a stalky creepster he was. So now the site “has been buried with the past.” What a loser.
Last year, The Other J.J. and I were descending an escalator at MP when we heard an argument from the Cubs fans behind us.
Me: “Is he fighting with his girlfriend?”
J.J.: “No, she’s holding him back. It’s that other Cubs kid.”
The two guys get at each other by pushing the girl out of the way and wrestle briefly before the one sends the other tumbling head over heels down the escalator. He lands at the bottom with his Cubs windbreaker pulled up hockey-fight style over his head and an usher grabs him.
Cubs fan: “What? What did I do? It was him!”
I might be a drunken man-child stuck in a permanent state of arrested development, obsessed with a mere game which has no real connection to my personal relationships or professional success — but at least I know hot to behave in public.
And yes, I am still sore over the loss in game 1 last night, thanks for asking. But I’m not petty enough to question the manhood of Cubs nation — oh wait, I am.