Ed. — … just ask Monica Lewinsky! Hey-o! P-House previews the Brewers-Nationals series.
The Crewers start a four game series with the Washington Nationals tonight. There isn’t much to say about the Nationals other than pointing out George W. Bush getting booed when he threw out the first pitch this year to open Nationals Park. The people have spoken, huh Georgie?
Anyway, the Nats seem to have taken a page out of Milwaukee’s play book. During their 7th inning stretch, Washington has a Presidents race which was obviously modeled after our Sausage race. There are some similarities between the two races. For example, both teams of had their race controversies: Teddy Roosevelt getting jacked up by the Oriole mascot and, of course, Sausagegate.
But let’s go a bit more in-depth to truly see which race is better. We’ll start with the two in the #1 Spots:
The Bratwurst v. George Washington.
Taste — Bratwurst. Washington has been documented to be pretty decent with mustard and relish, though.
Leadership ability — Washington. I just can’t picture a brat crossing the Delaware.
Outfit — Push. Lederhosen and britches are a pretty even match.
Importance — Bratwurst. Father of our country is kinda cool. But come on, have you ever actually eaten one of these things?
Advantage: Bratwurst. Would you rather have a 25-cent piece or a brat? I rest my case.
Next up, we have The Polish Sausage and Thomas Jefferson.
Taste — Push. Typically this would go to the sausage, but then I remembered Sally Hemings. Inappropriate! So it’s a tie.
Leadership Ability — Jefferson. Unless you’re on Milwaukee’s south side, then it’s the Polish.
Outfit — Polish. Sunglasses and a blue and red rugby shirt far outclasses a wig and square-toed shoes.
Importance — Polish. Yeah, “all men are created equal,” but in Milwaukee, kielbasa is king. Sorry Tom.
Advantage: Polish Sausage. It was a close one, but “Who Stole the Kishka?” is catchier than the Star-Spangled Banner.
Taste — Italian. From what I’ve read, Lincoln just doesn’t have enough spice.
Leadership ability — Lincoln. I’m sure the Italian can lead a kitchen, but there was that small conflict Lincoln helped resolve. The Civil War? Perhaps you’ve heard of it.
Outfit — Italian. The poofy chef’s hat and the mustache juuust beat out Lincoln’s beard.
Importance — Push. Lincoln was pretty important for America, but, go to Festa Italiana every summer or Groppi’s Food Market in Bay View. Viva Italia!
Advantage: Italian Sausage. This was tough too, but Lincoln was from Illinois, and, well, we hate them.
Taste — Hot Dog. The frankfurter is just too versatile for Teddy.
Leadership ability — Roosevelt. “The Trust Buster” busts the Dog on this one.
Outfit-Push. Teddy’s pocket watch, mustache, and huge smile are a tight match with the Hot Dog’s retro Brewer uniform.
Importance — Hot Dog. Come on, the hot dog is what makes a baseball game. He’s was the foremost snackfood of the 20th Century. No competition here.
Advantage: Hot Dog. The 26th Prez is no match for the ball park classic on this one. Bully!
We didn’t forget #5, The Chorizo, it’s just that Washington has no way of matching up. The taste? Come on, the spice, the salsa, the tortilla es muy bueno. The leadership ability? It’s about time we don’t have any old, white guys in charge ’cause with the Chorizo, it’s a fiesta! The outfit? The sombrero, the bandana, let’s not even mess with this one. The importance? If it weren’t for the Chorizo, no one would understand Viva Cerveceros! (Ed. — Some still don’t. Understand this: Chorizo wins.)
Advantage: Chorizo. Head and shoulders, and sombrero, above the rest.
I hope we’ve made it clear that the Milwaukee’s Sausage race outshines Washington’s Presidents race. And to further prove my point, CC Sabathia is pitching tonight.