And how should I begin?

It’s the start of a new season, and I’ll save you all the platitudes about a fresh start and new beginnings and crocuses pushing up through slushy soil. I am once again going to give this thing a go.

A few years ago, I was visiting some friends in Chicago. My friend works for a big Internet company and I told him I sporadically kept a blog about the Brewers.

“Why did you stop posting?” he asked me.
“Well, honestly it fell off once their season fell apart. It’s hard to find something to say about constant disappointment. And it also seemed like a baseball blog was something a 26-year-old guy, who was feeling a little lost, would do.”

I didn’t don’t want to be that guy. But here we are, a few years on, and I still feel a little lost. So I might as well enjoy the wandering.

So, here we go! Here’s to a hot 162 — comin’ at ya.

You do as the Scorpions have before you!

Zack Braddock was stung by a scorpion? Of course, I have a short course of action I would suggest.

Everybody who is ready for baseball to start, just say “here” … and let’s consider the word “here” to be short for “Here I am, Rock you like a hurricane.”

Edmonds steps into divisional limelight

The Brewers traded Jim Edmonds to the Reds for Chris Dickerson, which is overall a good trade, although everyone is sad to see him go.

Edmonds was such a beast for the Cardinals for so long, and then ended up right away with the hated Cubs, that he could have built-in story lines with any new National League team he joined. That he signed on with the Brewers, and now was traded to the Reds — he’s been wherever the action is in the NL Central for nearly a decade. We’ll miss the “Jimmy Baseball can’t run the bases because of his bum foot, so he only hits pinch-hit homers” meme.

The Brewers are still besieged by injuries, including Ryan Braun, Corey Hart and Carlos Gomez. The idea behind the trade is that next year Dickerson will replace Jody Gerut —  who hardly showed up after being traded for Tony Gwynn, and has been injured all year.

Monday night, our Major League ready shortstop of the future, Alcides Escobar had to start in right field. Back-up catcher George Kottaras was the only healthy player on the bench and Randy Wolf was told to be ready to play outfield in an emergency.

This situation reminds of a tirade my high school track teacher, Mr. Mank, went on my freshman year. His team had won the state championship the year before, and the school had torn down the track to make room for a parking lot.

“We won the state championship and they tore down my track. They tore down my track! I don’t even want to know what they’ll do if we win it again — probably tear off my arms and legs! Hear this: listen to your coaches. It doesn’t matter if you’re a weight guy, or a distance guy — I don’t care. ’cause you might be running in the parkway, or on the highway, for all I know. They could have you swinging from a tree or throwing rocks like a goddamn ape! ’CAUSE WE DON’T HAVE A POT TO PISS IN!!!”

Our team won the state championship, again. If that doesn’t get you fired up, let’s have one last listen to Edmonds’ batter-up music. We went to the Brewers game on Sunday to say goodbye to Danager, a colleague for the last three years and the chap who brought me to Opening Day this year, who left for law school on Monday. At that first home game, we were being lulled by the beautiful open-roof weather. Sitting in the sun for the first time in at least six months was getting dozy around the seventh inning. Then Edmonds came up to bat, and life flushed back into the park. Total bro moment.

“Let me make this clear: I hate the Cardinals.”

I was wrong. I did not believe the many prognosticators who said the NL Central would come down to St. Louis and Cincinnati. I wasn’t buying the Reds, and of course, I had high hopes that it would be the Brewers challenging the Cardinals.

Brandon Phillips gave the Reds some personality by calling out the Cards, which lead to a benches-clearing brawl. This takes the edge off my distaste for Cincinnati — where could the Brewers have ended up if they had not gone 23-30 over the last four seasons against those pesky Reds?

“I’d play against these guys with one leg. We have to beat these guys.

I hate the Cardinals.

All they do is bitch and moan about everything, all of them, they’re little bitches, all of ‘em.

I really hate the Cardinals. Compared to the Cardinals, I love the Chicago Cubs.

Let me make this clear: I hate the Cardinals.”

The Ballad of Rojo Johnson

“He supposedly came from Venezuela. Had, uh, a little problem with the law, it turns out. Annnnd Rojo, arrested and convicted of — what was it? Illegal, ah… Well, what he did was he stole, and sold, some lizards… Iguanas. And just got done with a four-year — he’s having a beer out there, what’s wrong with this?”

So… It’s a pretty safe bet that Rojo Johnson will show up in Season 2 of East Bound & Down?

Jock Rock

All right, I’ve been slacking. Here’s links to the Brewers batter-up music, according to Brewers.com.  I don’t think anyone’s done this yet. Batter-up music is a wonderful thing. We should have a party at which everyone enters to their own theme song.

Leading off, Rickie Weeks, “Drop the World,” Lil Wayne.

Alcides Escobar, “Hasta Abajo,” Don Omar, and “Desafio,” by Daddy Yankee ft. Don Omar.

Ryan Braun has the rowdiest song, “All the Way TurnT Up” by Roscoe Dash.

Prince Fielder, “Women Lie, Men Lie,” Yo Gotti ft. Lil Wayne.

Casey McGehee, “Simple Man” by Shinedown.

Corey Hart has once again picked a ridiculous country song, “Hillbilly Bone” by Blake Shelton.

Jody Gerut and “Groove Me” by King Floyd.

Gregg Zaun, “Limelight” by Rush. Rock. ’n. Roll.

Comin’ in off the bench, Craig Counsell, of course, “All Along the Watchtower” by Jimi Hendrix. Here’s a live version, just to mix it up.

George Kottaras, “Going Back to Cali” by Notorious B.I.G.

On the DL, Jim Edmonds, “Crown of the Valley,” Jets to Brazil.

Carlos Gomez, “Prrum” by Cosculluela, “Louie Bag” by Bloodraw ft. Young Jeezy, and “El Sapito” by Villano Sam.

And the pitchers. Of course, much beloved is Todd Coffey for using “Unstable” the Ultimate Warrior’s Theme Song for his “Coffey Time” entrance.

And, of course, Trevor Hoffman, “Hells Bells” by AC/DC has become an important ritual at that “cathedral to baseball.”

Mitch Stetter also uses country music, “Sideways” by Dierks Bentley.

Yovani Gallardo, “If I Were You,” Urge.

Carlos Villanueva, “Vida Loca” by Arcangel.

Manny Parra, “I’m Comin’” by Silkk the Shocker.

Randy Wolf uses “By Demons Be Driven” by Pantera to bat, and “Bottom” by Tool to pitch.

Jeff Suppan uses “Locomotive Breath” by Jethro Tull to bat, and “Baba O’Riley” by The Who. Damn it. Even his music is old.

Brewer Baby

Admittedly, Deadspin has been a big influence in my sports and Internet life during the last few years. I feel that the site is different, and therefore maybe not as important for what I’m interested in, since Leitch left.

But I regularly read Drew Magary’s Jamboroos and Funbags. In a December Funbag, a reader (third letter down) said that she and her husband were thinking about naming their baby Brewer — after the Brewers.

Magary just updated his Twitter account, saying that the couple chickened out on the Brewers-related name, and named the kid Asher instead.

Yeah, like that guy.

Speaking of which, I’m headed to Minn-Minn to celebrate P-Haus’ 21st birthday and check out Target Field. I’ll let you know how it goes.

And if you’re going to name your kid for something Brewers-related, you should go with one of these:

• Robin
• Prince
• Casey
• first name: Uecker
• first name: Kuenn
• Harvey
• Bernie

Brewers pick perfect time to fall apart

The Brewers are 2,100 miles away. If they’re going to suck it up again tonight, just like they did last night (read a recap here if you care to), they’ve picked the perfect time to do it.

Tonight’s game won’t be starting until possibly after the Milwaukee Bucks have finished Game 6 of the NBA’s Eastern Conference quarterfinals. The Brewers should just let it all hang out — blow it up, lose the next three, let Trevor Hoffman sleep in his own home in, in his own bed, and don’t give him a chance for a save in the next three games.

Because at least tonight, nobody will be watching. So, Brewers pitchers, if you’re going to get lit up like a gas can, do it out there in the Gaslamp Quarter, late at night, while Old World Third Street is rocking out with a Bucks win.

Get well soon, Ueck

The other day Brewers fans received news that will shape the sound of their Summer 2010. It was announced that Hall of Fame radio voice of the team Bob Uecker would undergo heart surgery on Friday.

If it were someone else, we might spout platitudes about how life is more important than the game. But the news, and the sentiments in his final broadcast before the operation on Wednesday, brought to mind none of that “Field of Dreams” bologna.

It just reminded us of our love for that man, that voice, that personality. Our summer will sound drastically different for those 10 to 12 weeks he is expected to be out of the broadcast booth. In Minnesota, J.J. Hardy said that Uecker was more of a grandfather figure to him than a coworker. Many Brewers fans, and certainly the majority of the team, weren’t even born when he started broadcasting for the team in 1971. He’s much more of a grandfather figure to us than your local disc jockey or anchorman.

Cory Provus and Davey Nelson are fine announcers, but no one can spin a yarn, or embellish last night’s dinner with the bus driver at a Phillip’s Seafood in Washington, quite like Uecker. He’s said that he’ll come back to the booth once he’s recovered and doesn’t feel like it’s time to hang it up —this report says he still swam a mile every morning right up until last week, and this famous photoshows he’s got his 75-year-old physique in matinee idol shape.

Here’s hoping Mr. Baseball a speedy recovery and a quick return.

MilwaFAILukee

Let’s backtrack to take a look at the Cubs and Pirates series.

• Friday: L (1-8) — FAIL
• Saturday: L (1-5) — FAIL
• Sunday: L (2-12) — FAIL
• Monday: W (17-3) — FAIL

Wait, what? Why is Monday a fail? Because as the SportsCenter tumblr pointed out, a lot of weird things happened Monday night, and not the least of which is the Brewers beating someone by 14 runs. The team and the fans might have been expecting it, given the three game sweep the week before in which the Brewers outscored the Bucs 36-1 in Pittsburgh. But Major League teams rarely win or lose games by 14 runs.

SportsCenter tumblr also dug out this nugget from the Brewers veteran catcher:

“We have to find a way to beat the Cubs. But that doesn’t take away from the fact that we’ve played some really good baseball against Pittsburgh, and if we want to play meaningful baseball later on in the season, we have got to continue doing what we’re doing against Pittsburgh.”

— Gregg Zaun, explaining why the Brewers have to continue to beat the crap out of Pittsburgh.

And that’s why Monday is a FAIL. It counts in the win column, but in terms of momentum, in terms of propelling the team toward the playoffs months from now, it marks a big, fat zero. Because, true to Zaun’s insight, the Brewers have not found a way to beat the Cubs — and then they forgot how to beat the holy living crap out of Pittsburgh.